Tales of the Parodyverse

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Visionary
Mon May 30, 2005 at 09:17:09 pm EDT
Subject
Here you go then. Monday.
Originally
I thought Visionary Week meant we were going to get a week's worth of stories from Visionary.
In Reply To

killer shrike feels gypped now
Mon May 30, 2005 at 08:00:51 pm EDT
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Visionary and the Parodyverse Awards Ballot


"You're thinking, aren't you?" Fleabot asked, hopping up on the desk. "I can tell the way your tongue is sticking out of the corner of your mouth."

Visionary favored him with a glare, then turned back to the ballot. "I thought we agreed not to do this kind of thing..." he whined (although Asil would have worded it otherwise). "I timed things perfectly so I could sneak past Troia and into my office without her handing me the usual armful of paperwork, and here I find this... this..." words failing him, he gestured to the document in front of him as if it were the 'jelly beans' that Yo's bunny liked to leave in his in-box "...on my desk." He sighed. "Troia only leaves to gets her spear sharpened once a month, and this month's break is already ruined."

"I'd hope that's not a euphemism… although it might explain why she always seems so frustrated for 28 days straight." Fleabot cocked a tiny head towards the offending sheet. "So what's the problem?"

Visionary scowled. "A ballot" he said, as one might say 'a festering pile of diseased guano' or 'a Republican'. (Sorry.) "I'm expected to actually make choices."

"Aren't you the team leader now?" Fleabot inquired mildly. "I'd think that making decisions would come with the job..."

The head of the Lair Legion made an indelicate sound. "I'm essentially a bureaucrat... and I don't see any other bureaucrats making any."

"Well, suck it up" the miniature robot suggested. "If you were a ship's captain, you'd be expected to pull a 'frozen Dicaprio' in bad times... I don't think you'll get much sympathy over paperwork." He hopped up to Visionary's shoulder. "Now... what's the first category?"

"BEST ON-GOING SERIES" Visionary read aloud. He tapped his pencil to his lips thoughtfully. "Well, I've always enjoyed 'The Simpsons'."

"Um... are you sure that's what they mean?" Fleabot asked skeptically.

"Hmmmm? Oh... well, yeah... the last two seasons haven't been all that great. I'll put down 'The X-Files' instead."

"Actually, that's..." the robotic insect began. "Nah... on second thought, skip it. Life's too short. What's next?"

"BEST STORY... Well, that's a pretty tall order." Vizh pondered it for a few moments. "Wasn't Charlton Heston in that?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"The Best Story Ever Told" Visionary explained. "You know, where he has that stick that can turn into a snake, and he keeps yelling 'Let my people go!'"

"That's 'The Greatest Story Ever Told'…" Fleabot explained helpfully, "but you're thinking of 'The Ten Commandments'."

"Whatever… were there talking monkey-men in that one or not?"

"It was a Bible story" Fleabot said flatly.

Visionary pondered that. "So it was pre-Dr. Zaius?"

The tiny robot stared at him. "You're doing this to me on purpose, aren't you?"

"Screw it" Visionary decided. "I'll go with 'Star Wars'."

"A fine choice" Fleabot noted dryly. "I'm beginning to see what was so repulsive about this whole endeavor. Next?"

"POSTER YOU WOULD MOST WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH" Visionary read. "Well, that's easy… I had this great poster of Kathy Ireland back in high school…"

"Please" the robot interjected, holding up two tiny arms. "Spare me the details and move on."

"POSTER YOU WOULD LEAST WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH" he announced, then sat there rubbing his chin. "I think the public Library used to have one of those 'Just Say No' ones with Nancy Reagan…"

"Gah! Forget it!!!" Fleabot said emphatically. "I'll go see if anyone else needs my help!"

"Okay" Visionary replied absently. "I think I saw CrazySugarFreakBoy filling out his ballot when I came in… He might like your input."

"Um…" the robot answered, suddenly cowed. "Maybe I'll just stick it out with you. Yes… er, next?"

"FREINDLIEST POSTER" Vizh announced.

"Let me guess" Fleabot said. "That one with the kitten that reads 'Hang in there!'"

"Hey!" Visionary exclaimed, happily filling it in. "You're good at this!"

"So what's next? BEST POEM?"

"It has to be 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe" Visionary declared confidently.

"Uh-huh" Fleabot responded. "And can you even name another poem?"

"Um… moving on. MOST CONTROVERSIAL POSTER. Well, I'm not sure if it counts, but my roommate tore one out of the center of a magazine once." Visionary recounted. "It had this woman, and she was… er… well, I'm guessing she'll likely have significant back problems later in life."

"It wasn't CSFB's mom, was it?"

"Hard to say… her face was… um… busy." Visionary coughed delicately. "In any event, the Resident Advisor made him take it down."

"Sounds controversial enough for me" Fleabot agreed. "Move on."

"BEST FLAMER" Visionary read. "What does that mean? Like… actual flames? That would be Finny. Or do they mean like Nathan Lane in 'The Birdcage'?"

"Well, Finny does have that strong 'anti-women' stance."

"He could also squash me flat in an instant if he so wanted" Visionary pointed out judiciously.

"Maybe we'd best leave that one blank then."

"Um… yes." Visionary skimmed the page with his eyes. "Oh…" he said sadly.

"What?"

"WE MISS THEM" the LL leader read aloud. "Jarvis, Carrington, Sersi…" he sighed. "It's a longer list than I care to remember. I miss Pegasus, and she was never on the team… I even miss Rocket Raccoon."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"You know" Fleabot said suddenly, breaking the somber tone, "I think you're right. A day like today is wasted on paperwork… How long is Troia likely to be gone?"

"It usually takes her a couple of hours" Visionary replied.

"Hmmmm… that ManMan guy must be more talented than he looks."

"What?"

"Nothing" Fleabot said, shaking his head. "In any event, that sounds like plenty of time to round up Yo, Asil and whomever is about for a trip to the bowling alley…"

Visionary looked at the ballot guiltily. "I don't know… I probably shouldn't…"

"I'm buying the chili-fries" Fleabot declared.

Visionary's hand leapt to the intercom button. "Now hear this… all available personnel assemble in the garage! We're loading up the van for a scouting mission to Larry's Bowl-A-Rama! Um… on Official Lair business, of course."

Fleabot grinned. "And they said you could never make a decent leader."

Visionary shrugged. "Some decisions are easier than others" he declared modestly as he gathered up his coat, then paused. "Hey… wait… who said I couldn't…"

"So, ah… tell me about that Kathy Ireland poster…" Fleabot hurriedly interrupted as they shut the door behind them.





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